Waiting to Write

Having not written in a while due to sickness and life's turmoil, I am scared that I will never be able to produce anything worthwhile anymore.  I'm a one hit wonder with one essay published by a local newspaper, big on words and small on action. As I struggle to pull out the words from the deepest regions of my soul, from the hidden caverns of my slow, encased in a thick fog mind, I am disheartened and disappointed at myself.

With so many writing projects in sight, I keep telling myself I will work on them the next day, only to come home to a horrible headache and a stack of essays to correct.  Dinner uncooked, cat litter uncleaned, house in disarray, essays uncorrected, only enough energy left to lie on the couch, unthinking and staring mindlessly at TV while American Next Top Model or American Idol is on, feeling guilty for not being able to juggle my health, house, husband, cat, work, and writing. 

How do they do that, the women who are actually married WITH CHILDREN AND TWO PART TIME JOBS?  Are they blessed with special superhuman powers and can survive without any amount of sleep?  Do they caffeinate themselves to such extent that they actually have energy to keep up with a million tasks a day?  Do they delegate half of their household chores on their husbands who actually have time to obey?  Or do they just feel satisfied enough with keeping their lives half-lived, meals half-prepared, house barely cleaned up after the dog brought all this mess from the backyard, husband on the back burner, children dropped off at multiple after-school activities to delay dealing with them, while the mothers are trying to catch their breath?

I don't know how they do that and why I am incapable of getting a hold of myself and my life, since I have the luxury of working only part time and NOT having children.  But here I am, struggling to survive every minute of every day, toiling through each heavy moment laden with responsibilities, barely relaxing and constantly feeling exhausted from duty, waiting for that free moment of time when I actually feel struck with inspiration and energy to string a perfect sentence together .

Waiting to write.