Fear of Writing -- Fear of Letting Go

The assignment for the creative writing class is to write 200 words on my fear of writing.

Why am I afraid to write?  Why am I paralyzed with the block?  The feeling of hands clamped over my mouth, trying to keep in the nasty words from escaping.  If I let go and find the courage to write what is truly in my mind, in my heart, the dark sinkhole,  the black hole, sucking all the goodness into itself, what will the world see of me?

All the things that I have kept successfully most of the time inside, all the hurt, the pain, the crazy thoughts of different ways to die, from driving full speed into a wall to jumping out of the window, the worry about the world collapsing around me, the ground literally cracking and plunging deep into the magma regions, the murderous images of plunging knives deep into chests, the blood splattering from the bullet, my hands squeezing someone's throat.  All the images flashing in my my mind in the moments of anger, of desperation, of  losing my mind.  The whole world will know what I am inside. 

No hiding behind the mask, the facade of the always well-organized, calm, chipper, professional, even-tone-of -voice teacher. Respectful, looked up to, example for emulating.  The whole world will see the rotten core of me, the flesh eaten by maggots of evil, the heart like the painting of Salvador Dali "The Face of War".

That’s why the fear of writing: If I open my mouth, I’ll open the lid keeping all the boiling craziness inside of me, and then – duck!